Under the weight of capitalism

As my year as an English assistant is coming to an end, I find myself--quite predictably--full of sentiment and reflections and armed with a long list of "things I wish I'd done differently." One thing I really enjoy about spending time abroad is that it gives me the chance to compare my native culture with a new one. One thing I don't enjoy about spending time abroad is keyboard confusion due to prolonged use of foreign computers. Seriously, it's taken me about 15 minutes to type this paragraph. Where was I--oh yes--there have undoubtedly been some moments of culture shock for me since my arrival, but I feel that my most profound realization is the comparison I've made between French and American measures of success and work ethic.

afternoon walk in the neighborhood

Americans criticize the French for being lazy. The French criticize the Americans for being overweight workaholics. This argument isn't anything new I know, but this year I have really noticed how different American and French cultures are in this aspect and how the mentalities affect people.

A product of American culture and my inherent type-A personality, I have been pushed hard from day 1. A joint effort by myself, peers, parents, teachers and the media, I've been told that everything worth doing is worth doing well perfectly. Don't just write the essay; write the best essay in the class. Don't just run on the track team; be the fastest. Be the smartest, the prettiest, the happiest....you get the picture.

This perfectionist mentality bled over into my high school and college years, where I ran myself ragged trying to not only do everything, but to do everything perfectly, better than all the others. Even after I finished school, I felt the urgent pressure to find the perfect job, as if my entire happiness rested on a single career.

It wasn't until this past year in France that these crazy voices in my head finally quieted down a bit. Perhaps this is because my life here is extremely laid-back--or maybe--it's something more.

Finally able to eat outside!!

In France you don't really hear people talking about their next promotion. People aren't obsessively trying to raise their salaries or find perfection in anything. Pessimistic? Lacking the excitement of the American dream? Maybe. But with the pressure off, happiness is suddenly more obtainable. People here just do what they do--they teach, they heal the sick, they take your money, they build houses, etc. Everyone that I know seems content with where they are and who they are and they aren't stressed out trying to reach some imaginary level of perfection.

But without competitive capitalist motivation, who will fix the economy, find a cure for cancer and establish peace in the Middle East?--one might ask. Honestly I don't know. And spending a year with 15-year-olds who still can't properly introduce themselves or ask a question in English after 5+ years of studying; I'll admit that I'm worried for the future. No system or mentality is flawless, but for whatever it's worth, I have learned to accept my abilities, education, and life as is since I've been here. It's been a difficult mindset to obtain and my only hope is that I can keep it with me when I go.

French tragedy, American perspective

At 11 a.m. on Tuesday, March 20th, France stood still. For an entire minute. This may not sound impressive if you have not worked with children, but believe me, convincing 700 middle and high school students to stand still and shut up for 60 seconds is something to brag about--especially when the majority of them don't understand the context.

For those of you who haven't heard, on Monday morning a gunman entered a Jewish school in Toulouse and killed three children and a Rabbi. He was believed to be associated with other recent killings in Toulouse, but nothing was confirmed. The police eventually found him, and after a 31-hour stand off at his apartment, the suspect jumped out the window and died. (It is currently unconfirmed as to whether the fall or a gunshot wound caused his death).

Even though I am not French (but God knows I try to be) this tragedy was chilling for me. I feel more integrated here this go-around because I am technically employed by the state, and I am an educator. And the thought that someone could be hateful enough to enter a school--a place of learning, a place to better oneself--and seek some sort of religious/ racial vengeance is absolutely sickening to me. Although I live in the middle of no-where and the chances of something like this happening at my school are slim-to-none, it is jolting to think that if someone wanted, they could walk in and do the same thing.

The majority of the students at my school are not up-to-date on the situation. A greater majority don't seem to care too much. But regardless, there was something moving about all of us standing in silence on Tuesday morning. I am usually irritated by choreographed displays of respect, but this time it felt genuine; it felt significant.

My heart goes out to all who were affected by this tragedy.

Sick of being sick

The past few days have been hellacious. As I've mentioned before, I was sick for the better part of December and January, some strange French illness that could not be identified. In retrospect, it was most likely a cold exaggerated by my hypochondria. In any case, I thought it was all behind me, until I woke up Friday morning with the most intense stomach pains of my life. I was certain I was dying. I tried to sleep through it. I crawled around the apartment. I curled into a ball and apologized to God for every sin I've ever committed. The pain continued. Around 5 a.m., I woke up my significant other and requested an ambulance. Since I was standing up and asking politely, he suggested a mid-afternoon doctor's appointment instead. Oh no. When an American is sick, sound the alarm, call the police, and notify the president. Or perhaps this is just me.

I called in sick to work and tried to muscle through the morning. By 11 a.m., the perpetual pain had left me toute blanche. Go time. We rushed to the doctor and requested an immediate consultation. Luckily, this was possible; Unluckily, the doctor decided to bring out his high-school level English to diagnose me.

So, have you been farting a lot?

No.

Shirt off please.

After a series of equally uncomfortable questions, he told me that I had 'acid of the stomach exaggerated by stress,' charged me 23 euro, and sent me to the pharmacy.  I spent a total of 7 euro on four different medications and spent the rest of the day gradually feeling better. The next day, as suggested by the doctor, I went to the lab to have my blood tested just to confirm that there was nothing serious going on, and it was completely free.

The daily dose

Now I really hate to get political in a time like this, but I am still amazed at how cheap medical treatment is in France. There are about a million and one things that are more difficult to do here, but being healed is not one of them. French people aren't afraid to get sick because they know they won't have to take out a second mortgage to pay the hospital. They know that since they pay taxes to the government, that their health will be taken care of. There is no fine print, no surprises. And they think it's hilarious that I make such a big deal about it.

The truth is, just a few days ago, I received three (overdue) medical bills from the US for three separate appointments, totaling to about $600.00. And I didn't even flinch. Nor did I react when I was charged $400.00 for a face cream from the dermatologist. When I learned that an MRI for my leg would cost $1200.00, I calmly decided to wait until I was 45 and could afford something like that.

I realize that I am a novice on the intricacies of the American health care system, and that there is no simple fix. But what scares me the most is that Americans don't feel like they deserve to be healthy. Like health is something only for the rich; a luxury for those with a house in the suburbs and 2.5 kids. Something that must be earned. I just can't wrap my head around it, nor do I wish to come around to this way of thinking. It is a strange realization that a foreign country I have been living in for 5 months gives me more medical benefits than my own.

Grad school woes

French people are really good at doing nothing. I don't mean this in a negative sense, I am actually incredibly jealous at how they can achieve leisure and relaxation. No one apologizes for spending the day in bed, for taking a three-hour lunch, for 5+ weeks of paid vacation each year. It's cultural, but more than that, it's a philosophy.

Americans, on the other hand work themselves to death and when they finally catch a few days to take off from work, stay in ther pajamas in front of the TV, too exhausted to move. It makes so much more sense to me to work at a steady, slow pace, rather than waiting for yourself to burn out. I hope that I can become more like this and maintain the lifestyle when I return the the U.S.

However, my newfound ideology is proving difficult as I am trying to complete four graduate school applications with deadlines in December. Well, two are in December but I really just want to knock them all out, so I can move on with my life. I've always viewed grad school as a superior route to take in life, a way to bypass the political infrastructure that confines us. So. Wrong. Just like anything else, grad school is a business, a rat race, a competition. And with an influx of applicants as a result of the lack of jobs out there, it's worse than ever.

Which brings me to the past few weeks, sitting glued to my computer obsessing over my personal statement. It's exhausting because you have to express yourself, but only in the way that the committee wants to see you, which is essentially unknown. You have to shine but not too brightly, say all the right things, with the right tone.

I'm lucky to know some really intelligent people who don't mind me filling up their email inboxes each day with questions and revisions, but no matter how hard I work, I am feeling panicked. What if I'm not good enough?

These questions and concerns have been circling my mind, meanwhile distracting me from the important things in my life at the moment: what type of wine to try next, why isn't there gel deodorant in France, how can I cook Christmas dinner without an oven, etc.

So I suppose this post is a useless rant, but perhaps a call for advice. If anyone is in the process of, or has applied to graduate school and has advice for personal statements, interviews, and the application in general, please share!

To occupy or not to occupy

One thing I enjoy about being abroad is viewing and reading American news from a different perspective. And with the recent Occupy Movement sweeping the country, there has been plenty of information to digest and discuss--with other Americans and the French.

It feels like every day that I log on to Facebook, I see one of those "I am the 99%" photos, or even better the "I am not the 99%" photos, followed by a page-long trail of heated debate. With all of the opinions, coverage, and controversy, I can't seem to pinpoint what is scaring people more, that big corporations are being attacked, or that Americans are standing up for their rights, an idea that has somehow become against the "American Dream" which according to critics of the movement, means working your ass off and expecting nothing from your government or society.

Somewhere along the line it seems that Americans have misconstrued their value, worth, and have begun to accept nothing from the society and government that they are a part of. Yes, I believe in working hard for what you have. But I strongly believe that every individual should have the right to healthcare and to education. No one should get sick or die because they don't have money. No one should miss out on education because they cannot finance it. These ARE basic human rights and anyone who disagrees has a warped sense of self-worth.

I really like to bring up the Occupy Wallstreet Movement with my French colleagues and students, because they just can't wrap their head around facts we have accepted: unless you are rich, you must take out a surplus of loans to complete your education, and a trip to the doctor could set you back thousands of dollars. My friend thought she misunderstood me when I first explained this, then she asked "Well, since you are paying so much for college, do they immediately place you with a career?" I laughed. Wouldn't that be nice. But how would she know? She attended a four-year university for free, then obtained her masters for free, and after receiving certification, she was placed in a school as a full-time art teacher.

It is doubtful that the changes the Occupy protesters are fighting for will ever come to pass. But that really isn't the point. They are fighting against injustice, refusing to accept what is happening.

First taste of la discipline française

One of the few things emphasized to me before I began teaching was attendance. I have to mark who is there, who is absent and report it to La Vie Scolaire each day. If a student is absent and I don't report it and something bad happened to him, I am responsible for that. So, scary, right? The last thing I need is legal trouble in a foreign country in a new profession. So I make a big deal out of attendance, checking and double checking.

And the other day, sure enough, there was a student missing. So I wrote it down. Let's call him A. When I reported it to the office, they seemed troubled, and confused. They asked me if I was sure. Yes, I am certain that A was not there. They told me to come to a certain room after my classes. Gulp. What's going on?
So I finish my work, and hurry back down, and there he is. Looking at me like a guilty puppy. Was he in your class? The teacher asked. No, I'm sorry he wasn't. Are you sure? Because he doesn't agree with you. I took a deep breath. No, this boy was not in my class.

So we go to another office. It was becoming clear that A was lying, and that I was terrified. His look of guilt had turned into annoyance and betrayal. He expected me to lie for him.

Eventually everything calmed down, the boy, post-smack down was dismissed to go to his other class, and it was explained to me that he has problems with attendance, and they have to keep a close watch on him.

I definitely understand that there needs to be a level of respect and of course, regular attendance, but this experience was definitely a cultural shock for me, seeing the way that students are reprimanded for bad behavior. Discipline in France has definitely come a long way, but it will surely take some time for me to adjust to the somewhat callous dealings with students. In the States, it is all so fluffy and politically correct. In France, they cut to the chase.

Between the three confrontations, I have broken a sweat, and I was beyond ready for some bread/wine/cheese/skype/yoga. Not necessarily in that order.

Oh North Carolina, there you go again, legalizing discrimination.

I have a terrible case of the Mondays. On a Wednesday. It must be the weather, or the anxiety surrounding the fact that I am leaving the country in a less than two weeks, or the fact that I can't stop eating carbs. And I had every intention of writing a cheery blog today, because all of my previous entries sound like a mix of Carrie Bradshaw and Daria. And it has to stop. But then, as I'm trying to pick a cheerful topic to talk about, all I can think about is the NC House passing the marriage amendment bill, and I'm feeling sick again.

I don't want to blog about those supporting the ban, who want to protect the traditional family structure and prevent the occurence of "evil lifestyles." And I don't even want to blog about those against the ban, who are infuriated from being labeled as an abomination because who they choose to love. (My opinion on the issue should be clear at this point.)

Sarcasm aside, I want to understand other arguments for the ban. Even if you are heterosexual, and think that a gay lifestyle is wrong, how does this affect you? This amendment would negatively alter homosexuals lives, and their dreams to share a life with another individual. And would it really help the proponents sleep better at night?

I think despite all of the other important issues (social and economic) to consider for the primaries in May, this issue hits everyone hard, regardless of their stance. because it is so personal. No one can define any of the terms necessary to formulate a proper argument: what is family? what is normal? are you born homosexual? where is the separation of church and state? Even if there will never be widespread agreement of these questions, at least establish clarity in a debate/forum/conversation. Decide exactly what you are arguing about. The issue is long-standing, intricate, delicate, and multi-layered; it should be treated as such.