Changing

I've gotten really good at being alone. To some, this may sound like a small feat, but for me, it's huge. Solitude used to make me irritatingly uncomfortable, like a ratty polyester sweater. More than an hour in my own head and I was cranky, desperate, and hungry for attention.

These days, I can't get enough. I savor the moments of silence when I can read, sing Lady Gaga on youtube karaoke, or just simply stare at the wall if I want. I'm really proud of how comfortable I have become with myself even though I think internet access in my apartment plays a huge role in this.

Anyways, my newfound independence started to crumble tonight when I was walking to the pharmacy and saw the huge Christmas tree in the center of town. I'm no homebody, but around the holidays, I always feel this slight twinge of loneliness to be somewhere, to be a part of something. Naturally, this is usually satisfied by a few days of intense family time, which consequently reminds me that being alone isn't so bad after all. But tonight I really felt how far away I was, how much I am changing, and how alone I am in all of it. And it felt...terrifying.

Before I left, I blogged about how traveling changes people; it opens them up to new experiences that alter your perceptions. It challenges one to the point where it is impossible to return the same person. This is why I love traveling after all, because it shakes me up; I feel alive and alert. So these feelings aren't surprising to me, they are simply confirming my expectations for this adventure.